Imperfect Partners- Issue #1

Chet and Amy worked on breakfast in a comfortable silence only broken by discussions on either of their various projects. Chet, subtitled CheeseBurger, was a tall, dark haired man who had been aptly nicknamed.

“I want to do a cookbook for the kitchen impaired.” Amy said. Amy was on the shorter side, with blonde hair, a generous personality and a more than generous figure. Where “real women have curves” she had rolls.

“What like a bachelors cookbook? Just invent bachelor chow. Problem solved. I’d eat the shit out of bachelor chow.”

“That’s a thing!” Amy bounced a little in her eagerness, splashing some of the egg mixture onto the counter and brown laminate floor. “Guess what it’s fuckin’ called?!” CB made a “hmm?” noise. “It’s just a food nutrition product, like you shit actual hard shits. But it’s a liquid, in a bag. And, I shit you not, it is called Soylent.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Fuck that, I’m not eating anything called ‘Soylent’.”

Marie, the youngest of the household and Jason, the maleest of the household, grunted as they passed through the kitchen onto the back porch to smoke.

“Morning!”

“Meromining.”

Jason sat down in the black and gray dining chair that had been set out on the back porch and lit his cigarette. He inhaled, and began coughing like he had cancer.

“You okay there Jay?”

He coughed again. This time so violently he fell out of the chair.

“Yeah…I’m good.” He put the cigarette down. “You two need any help?”

Chet looked around. “Yeah, dice up these potatoes for meh.” He moved to the side and began working on the custard part of the french toast.

Amy was getting in the fridge putting the eggs away when the door swung too hard and bumped into Jason’s elbow. It startled him, his hand slipped, and when Amy looked over, she saw the paring knife protruding from his thumb.

“Uh…Jay? How ya doin buddy?”

There was a pause, then he said, “Not…not okay.”

CB paused mid whisk and turned to Jason. Then, in questioning the obvious, raised an even bigger and more important question than “how ya doin?”

“Jay, why aren’t you bleeding?”

Jason, Amy, and Marie who had come into the kitchen to see what was going on, all raised their eyebrows. “That, is a great question.”

Very gently Amy brought Jay’s hand to the sink. Then, slightly less gently, removed the sharp end of the knife from the flesh of his thumb.

Jason did not react.

“That really should have hurt.”

“Also, there really should be a hole where the knife was…”

Which was a valid point, because there wasn’t. Following up on this theory, CB took the carving knife and attempted to slice into Jason’s arm. As sharp as it was, and as hard as he tried, there was nothing to indicate damage.

“You dick!”

“Didn’t get hurt did you?”

They paused, perplexed.

Then Amy pinched Marie. “Ow!”

“Must just be him.”

Marie Pinched Amy, who pinched CB, who pinched Jason. All reacted but Jason.

“So, can you like not get hurt?”

Jason shrugged.

“Wanna further test it?” Amy’s eyes gleamed with a frightening delight.”

“yeah! Yeah let’s do that!”

CB took the first swing. Cocked him square in the jaw, hard enough to make CB curse in pain. And while Jason reacted to the force, he didn’t react like he had been hurt.

“did that hurt?”

“Not at all.”

Marie swung and punched him in the groin.

“Not cool.”

“It didn’t hurt.”

“Still, that’s psychological warfare.”

CB nodded in strong agreement.

Amy dug through a drawer and pulled out a rolling pin. “Can I hit him with this?” She swung for the kneecap.

“i’ll go get his slugger!” Marie dashed up the stairs. Meanwhile, CB stabbed Jason again.

“Dude, you’re a super now. Like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable.”

“I. Am. Invincible!”

Marie broke his Louisville slugger over his head.

He crumbled to the floor. For a moment everyone panicked, then he sprang up with a flourish, cracked his knuckles and grinned. “I’m a goddamned superman!”

After several hours of pounding on Jason with various household items, pushing him down the stairs, off the roof (in an attempt to see if he could fly, which he could not, or if he could withstand that, which he could) and nothing gave him so much as a bruise, they decided to move onto bigger ammo.

“I’ve got a truck?” Chet suggested.

“Yes!” Jason jumped up and down like a kid at a roller coaster. “Let’s see what caves first, my rib cage or his bumper!”

CB climbed into the Jimmy and drove down to the corner and circled around. He revved the engine twice, at the same time Nathan’s golden mom-car swung around the opposite corner and the whole thing came to a temporary stop.

He pulled into his spot in the driveway and got out. Amy who had been watching from the porch with Marie, came down and gave him a kiss when he got out.

“Where’s Lil’ Will?”

“Sleepin in his box like an angel.”

Nathan shorted at the comparison.

CB stuck his head out the window and shouted, “Yo! We clear?”

Jason gave him the heads up and shouted, “go!”

He revved twice, again, and took off. Nathan looked about confused. “What’s goin on?”

“CB is hitting Jason with the Jimmy.”

The jeep rattled dangerously as it hurried by a bit too fast for the pea stone road.

“I’ve gathered that. Why?”

“Jason’s invincible.”

At that moment Jason bounced off the hood of the Jimmy as it skidded to a stop. Jason flew across the neighbors yard then rolling, into the crabapple tree.

CB clamoured out of the Jimmy and everyone raced over to where he was lying.

“Is he okay?”

Marie kneeled down next to his head and rolled him over. “Jay are you okay?”

“How much air did I get?”

CB started laughing. “Like, a lot.”

Nathan decided it was time to repeat his first question, for which he did not receive a suitable answer to. “So uh…hey guys…what’s goin on?”

Marie helped Jason to his feet and began explaining the days events up to his arrival.

“When we pushed him down the stairs we even had the forethought to take of his shoes so he didn’t put his foot through a wall on the way down.”

“Naturally.”

Amy nodded enthusiastically.

“So…do we know what happened to cause this?”

Jason smiled. “Nope, not a clue.”

“And is anybody else feeling weird?”

Amy pinched his butt, hard enough that instead of being the fun kind of pinch, he winced. “Ow.”

Baby William started squeaking inside and Amy went in to get him. “I think he’s annoyed he’s being left out.”

“That’s everyone tested, and nope, everyone else is being completely normal.”

Nathan looked about, shrugged and sighed. “Yep, pretty much.”

 

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