Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

Nine steps for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse that I’ve learned from Zombieland, Shawn of the Dead, The Walking Dead, and playing the Resident Evil games.

1. The Double Tap.

Straight from Zombieland, the doubletap is always a good idea. Unless you do need to be stingy with your bulletts, in which case:

2. Cardio

Don’t bother with the double-tap and just run like hell. Don’t stop running.

3. Identify the zombies.

Are they clever? Do they have the ability to hold weapons like in the Resident Evil games? How much Physical trauma are they able to withstand before their bodies just disintegrate? Do you have to pop the brain bubble, or just remove it from the body? Is the virus keeping them from decomposing or are they starting to turn gray and ooze? These are important things. If a zombie is decomposing, destroying the brain is going to become easier and easier. If they’re still fresh, it’s gonna be like trying to pull a knife out of a watermelon. No. Go. Bro. Being able to quickly identify which zombies you can stab through the temple as easily as through the eye will definitely save you some time.

4. Get Duct tape

The Red Green Show got it right. Duct tape is the tool for the job. No matter the job. The Walking Dead taught us that riot suits are preferable zombie protection gear, but in a pinch, a jacket lined with duct tape will do the job almost as well.

5. Avoid Fire

Fire is important. So don’t always avoid it. But remember, to zombies, fire is bright, and if they’re clever, they recognize fire are for people. If they’re not bright, the fire is, and like moths, they will flock to it.

Fire is a deterrent to most humans. But to zombies, it’s shiny and pretty and they must touch it. It doesn’t kill them, or even slow them down. And if The Walking Dead have any opinions on the matter, on-fire zombies are not. not good ideas. Your only hope at that point is that the on fire zombie is so pretty and bright that it’ll distract them from the yummy freshness of your flesh…I wouldn’t count on it.

6. Find someplace high with a retractable ladder.

It’s something we’ve discussed at length with our family. I grew up in a second story duplex, with the stairs on the inside, and lots of alternative exits to the one door. (Lots of windows leading to other roof things). So, we always theorized that if the zombie apocalypse happened, we’d barricade the door and if somehow they got in, blow out the stairs.

So with our zombie menace, we’re just going to assume they’re not that great of climbers.

Get above them, and you’re pretty much safe.

Then throw a Molotov cocktail in the direction OPPOSITE (so much emphasis on that word) the way you want to go. Once they get distracted by the bright and pretty. Run for your life.

7. Seek out self-sustaining environments.

And rob them of all their goods and leave.

Hey, I never said this was a guide to how to survive and maintain a clear conscience.

8. Develop a love of reading

For real. There’s gonna be down-time. You got food and water for today/tomorrow? Great. You holding down the fort while someone else goes on a run? Awesome. You have a couple options. Work out so you don’t get squishy, or you can try to rest and recover some of your strength.

There will come a time when you are going to be resting. Read. You’ll feel better for it.


9. Fall in love.

Fall in love. Even when it’s a bad idea, even when you know it’s going to end badly. If it hurts, you’re already different than the dead. Fall in love, and remember, there’s more to life than breathing.


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