The Not-A-Poem-About-Feelings-I’ve-Needed-To-Express-For-A-While.

Sometimes I’m lonely for the friendship that could have been.
Once upon a time we were really bad at being friends. But it was high school, it’s part of the deal.
At least I think it is.
Then we grew and became who we are.
And I think…I hope…
I choose to believe
that now we could be friends.
I choose to believe this is a thing.
And when I think of you
and this friendship that could be a thing
I choose not to say hello.

I miss that possibility every day. I miss it like it was, not like it could be.
Because, what I choose to believe, and what I feel is the truth, are different.
We couldn’t be friends. Not again.
Not because we were bad at it before
not because we’ll be bad at it now.
Not because we can’t let go of who we were, and who we are
But because who we are going to be is so different
we’ll leave each other behind.

Every time.
I will leave you behind every time.
And not on purpose.
But I will.

I miss the friendship we could be having.
Not the friendship we had.
But if I had a redo
we wouldn’t have had a friendship at all.

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5 thoughts on “The Not-A-Poem-About-Feelings-I’ve-Needed-To-Express-For-A-While.

  1. jaxibella says:

    It’s probably really narcissistic to think that this could be about me, or us. And I’m already sorry for writing this because I know you don’t want to hear from me, and this is selfish of me. But the idea of reaching out again has been eating at me since your name showed up in an email from pinterest a few days ago, and this seems like as good an opportunity as any.

    I miss you, and I so badly want a redo. I want to be like “hey, I’m jax” and you could be like “hey, I’m haley” and I’d tell you how cute your kid is and how he has your eyes, and we’d realize we’re both engaged and get all wedding-excited and girly together, and it would be…better. Because, y’know, we’re grown ups now. And, in the spirit of grown-up-y-ness, I don’t regret what we had, because even though I have days now where I am sad and miss you/other people, and wish I could just stop, our friendship made high school a lot more fun for me. And definitely influenced who I am now.

    And, in case it’s not too narcissistic, I’ve gotten pretty good at the long-distance friendship thing, and also the listening thing, and I miss you.

    And, in case this changes nothing, I’m so proud of you for your book and your family and just how well you’re doing. I know this isn’t the life you planned, but you’re living it so fully, and I think that’s awesome. Congrats on your engagement and stuff. And I still miss you.

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