The Only Reason the Zombie Apocalypse Would Fail Super-Quick in America

One word, and it isn’t really a word, it’s a name. That name?


I’m just going to go ahead and assume everyone has seen Zombieland or, if not, you’ve seen enough of the internet to understand that Tallahassee is the most badass person in the apocalypse (and has the absolute saddest back-story in any Zombie story I have ever experienced ever.)

I'll give you a minute.


But back to the badass part of his character.

Ok, now consider the following:


Just watch that whole video. The whole thing. Put aside all the personal and emotional story stuff at stake and being purged for him in this moment of bloody murdery catharsis, it is all bad ass. I don’t know specifically what kind of gun he’s using, I feel like I could fire it like that. ME. I feel like I could probably survive a situation like that if I also had a poky stick.

But that’s not the point.

Look at Tallahassee. Look at him. Look into his soul. You know this guy. I would bet money that you could find at least ONE badass with Tallahassee’s soul living within a one mile radius of your house. That’s assuming that you are not Tallahassee, in which case, go 2 miles away and walk in a circle, you’ll find a new bestie. Promise.

Okay, now imagine you’re that guy, chilling out after dinner, playing fetch with your puppy while you watch the news and drink a well earned beer. Then the news comes on.

After lots of weird talking and flashing lights, the message is clear. Dead people are going to eat your brains. Zombie apocalypse time. 

“Welp,” you sigh as you get up and finish your beer. “Time to nut up or shut up.” You play it safe and put your puppy in the bathroom with a clean toilet bowl full of water, and just the entire bag of food. Just to be safe. With the puppy safely tucked away for now, you go get your boomsticks.

With one of you every two miles, it takes maybe 3 afternoons to clear out the zombies. And anybody you don’t like. Anybody you don’t like.

For the rest of us, our lives will pretty much be as disrupted as this lovely lady’s:

Zombie kill of the week.







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