The Only Reason the Zombie Apocalypse Would Fail Super-Quick in America

One word, and it isn’t really a word, it’s a name. That name?

Tallahassee

I’m just going to go ahead and assume everyone has seen Zombieland or, if not, you’ve seen enough of the internet to understand that Tallahassee is the most badass person in the apocalypse (and has the absolute saddest back-story in any Zombie story I have ever experienced ever.)

I'll give you a minute.

 

But back to the badass part of his character.

Ok, now consider the following:

 

Just watch that whole video. The whole thing. Put aside all the personal and emotional story stuff at stake and being purged for him in this moment of bloody murdery catharsis, it is all bad ass. I don’t know specifically what kind of gun he’s using, I feel like I could fire it like that. ME. I feel like I could probably survive a situation like that if I also had a poky stick.

But that’s not the point.

Look at Tallahassee. Look at him. Look into his soul. You know this guy. I would bet money that you could find at least ONE badass with Tallahassee’s soul living within a one mile radius of your house. That’s assuming that you are not Tallahassee, in which case, go 2 miles away and walk in a circle, you’ll find a new bestie. Promise.

Okay, now imagine you’re that guy, chilling out after dinner, playing fetch with your puppy while you watch the news and drink a well earned beer. Then the news comes on.

After lots of weird talking and flashing lights, the message is clear. Dead people are going to eat your brains. Zombie apocalypse time. 

“Welp,” you sigh as you get up and finish your beer. “Time to nut up or shut up.” You play it safe and put your puppy in the bathroom with a clean toilet bowl full of water, and just the entire bag of food. Just to be safe. With the puppy safely tucked away for now, you go get your boomsticks.

With one of you every two miles, it takes maybe 3 afternoons to clear out the zombies. And anybody you don’t like. Anybody you don’t like.

For the rest of us, our lives will pretty much be as disrupted as this lovely lady’s:

Zombie kill of the week.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Not-A-Poem-About-Feelings-I’ve-Needed-To-Express-For-A-While.

Sometimes I’m lonely for the friendship that could have been.
Once upon a time we were really bad at being friends. But it was high school, it’s part of the deal.
At least I think it is.
Then we grew and became who we are.
And I think…I hope…
I choose to believe
that now we could be friends.
I choose to believe this is a thing.
And when I think of you
and this friendship that could be a thing
I choose not to say hello.

I miss that possibility every day. I miss it like it was, not like it could be.
Because, what I choose to believe, and what I feel is the truth, are different.
We couldn’t be friends. Not again.
Not because we were bad at it before
not because we’ll be bad at it now.
Not because we can’t let go of who we were, and who we are
But because who we are going to be is so different
we’ll leave each other behind.

Every time.
I will leave you behind every time.
And not on purpose.
But I will.

I miss the friendship we could be having.
Not the friendship we had.
But if I had a redo
we wouldn’t have had a friendship at all.

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

Nine steps for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse that I’ve learned from Zombieland, Shawn of the Dead, The Walking Dead, and playing the Resident Evil games.

1. The Double Tap.

Straight from Zombieland, the doubletap is always a good idea. Unless you do need to be stingy with your bulletts, in which case:

2. Cardio

Don’t bother with the double-tap and just run like hell. Don’t stop running.

3. Identify the zombies.

Are they clever? Do they have the ability to hold weapons like in the Resident Evil games? How much Physical trauma are they able to withstand before their bodies just disintegrate? Do you have to pop the brain bubble, or just remove it from the body? Is the virus keeping them from decomposing or are they starting to turn gray and ooze? These are important things. If a zombie is decomposing, destroying the brain is going to become easier and easier. If they’re still fresh, it’s gonna be like trying to pull a knife out of a watermelon. No. Go. Bro. Being able to quickly identify which zombies you can stab through the temple as easily as through the eye will definitely save you some time.

4. Get Duct tape

The Red Green Show got it right. Duct tape is the tool for the job. No matter the job. The Walking Dead taught us that riot suits are preferable zombie protection gear, but in a pinch, a jacket lined with duct tape will do the job almost as well.

5. Avoid Fire

Fire is important. So don’t always avoid it. But remember, to zombies, fire is bright, and if they’re clever, they recognize fire are for people. If they’re not bright, the fire is, and like moths, they will flock to it.

Fire is a deterrent to most humans. But to zombies, it’s shiny and pretty and they must touch it. It doesn’t kill them, or even slow them down. And if The Walking Dead have any opinions on the matter, on-fire zombies are not. not good ideas. Your only hope at that point is that the on fire zombie is so pretty and bright that it’ll distract them from the yummy freshness of your flesh…I wouldn’t count on it.

6. Find someplace high with a retractable ladder.

It’s something we’ve discussed at length with our family. I grew up in a second story duplex, with the stairs on the inside, and lots of alternative exits to the one door. (Lots of windows leading to other roof things). So, we always theorized that if the zombie apocalypse happened, we’d barricade the door and if somehow they got in, blow out the stairs.

So with our zombie menace, we’re just going to assume they’re not that great of climbers.

Get above them, and you’re pretty much safe.

Then throw a Molotov cocktail in the direction OPPOSITE (so much emphasis on that word) the way you want to go. Once they get distracted by the bright and pretty. Run for your life.

7. Seek out self-sustaining environments.

And rob them of all their goods and leave.

Hey, I never said this was a guide to how to survive and maintain a clear conscience.

8. Develop a love of reading

For real. There’s gonna be down-time. You got food and water for today/tomorrow? Great. You holding down the fort while someone else goes on a run? Awesome. You have a couple options. Work out so you don’t get squishy, or you can try to rest and recover some of your strength.

There will come a time when you are going to be resting. Read. You’ll feel better for it.

 

9. Fall in love.

Fall in love. Even when it’s a bad idea, even when you know it’s going to end badly. If it hurts, you’re already different than the dead. Fall in love, and remember, there’s more to life than breathing.

Hat Etiquette

Hats are fabulous. I love them. Guess what else I love? Manners. During the Superbowl Metlife aired a ridiculously sweet commercial featuring the Peanuts and the National Anthem.

There was a discussion, by some bitter internet critics (just kidding guys…really!) about the fact that Woodstock and Lucy didn’t remove their hats. For real guys? We’re going to try to make an issue out of this? The true answer is no, attempting to make an issue out of it was fruitless. But it got me thinking, what are the rules for hats? For men, hat rules are fairly simple. And you can always go by the rule of: “if you’re not sure, look at the other guys”. Here’s a hint too, look at the OLDER gentlemen, the retirees, grandfathers, ect. When it’s okay for you to wear a hat if you’re a DUDE:

  • Outdoors
  • At athletic events (indoors or out)
  • On public transportation
  • In public buildings such as post offices, airports,  and hotel or office lobbies
  • On elevators

That’s not a terribly long list is it? Especially compared to where guys cannot wear their hats without being impolite jerks who will not be invited back:

  • In someone’s home
  • At mealtimes, at the table
  • While being introduced, indoors or out (unless it’s frigid!)
  • In a house of worship, unless a hat or head covering is required
  • Indoors at work, especially in an office (unless required for the job)
  • In public buildings such as a school, library, courthouse, or town hall
  • In restaurants and coffee shops
  • At a movie or any indoor performance
  • When the national anthem is played
  • When the flag of the United States passes by, as in a parade

Ladies, your rules are a little more “Wear ‘dem hats”. But let me clarify first: if you’re wearing a baseball cap/other unisex hat (beanies and whatnot) you are expected to follow the rules that guys follow with their hats. Fashion hats have their own rules. Fashion hats are acceptable (on top of the list of when it’s acceptable for boys to wear hats):

  • In someone’s home
  • At luncheons, weddings, garden parties
  • At religious services
  • At a movie or any indoor performance
  • When the national anthem is played
  • When the flag of the United States passes by, as in a parade

That is right, church, national anthems and parades are perfectly acceptable and kind of expected to keep your hat on. Just like Woodstock and Lucy did. Except WAIT WHAT?! Woodstock is a boy fictional character isn’t he? The answer to that is yes, he’s a boy, but a bird. Birds don’t normally wear hats so there aren’t any rules for them. And look at how little he is and how cold it must be, without his hat Woodstock would die! The only time its actually not okay for a lady to wear her hat:

  • Anytime it blocks someone’s view, such as at a wedding or in a theater
  • Indoors at work

Oh! A couple more fun facts about hats! Ladies hat adornments (Hat pins, flowers, feathers, whatever you want to stick in your hat today) should be on the right side all the time! It’s like the shirt button thing, you can tell a girls button-up from a boys button-up by which side the buttons are on. (Don’t ask me which is which for the shirts, I have no idea!)   Now, both ladies and men, feel free to use this knowledge to *wear more hats*. Hats are awesome! Hats hats hats. Hats are awesome!

Quick Heads Up

Hey everyone! Just a quick heads up on what you can expect from me in the coming week!

More things to do with Potatoes! Though I haven’t decided all what yet.

Some homemade recipes, (things you would usually buy pre-made that you can make at home)

A pie recipe that has won me multiple awards

I’m going to make a dress

Start making a quilt

Begin my painting

Do some interesting DIY things with my apartment

Share some of my “How to take Stock Photo” research

And maybe design a mask or two!

Oh, also expect a review of the Borderlands 2 new expansion. Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragons Keep. Noah and I started playing it already and it’s AWESOME.

I may do another video blog with Noah making something. Or I might just get him to take some photos with me.

Living where you live

Alright, so, I’ll fess up. I’ve been living in this area is now closer to being a year than not. Approximately 9 months now. Although this area consists of two different towns they’re connected by one busline so its pretty much all the same area to me. And the amount of time I’ve spent actually going outside and experiencing these pretty major towns is rather limited actually. But that’s college life, poor kid college life actually. Anytime I had any sort of time, I would rush home to my family. I still like to do that actually. But, I would like to get to know the place I live a bit more intimately. Treat the shops and the resturaunts like I actually live there.

So! From here on out, I’m changing things. Every other week (at least) my boyfriend and I are going to go to downtown Ann Arbor or downtown Ypsilanti in the evening and walk around and go in and out of the shops, try a new resturaunt and occasionally buy something. We’re sort of starting this week, we’re going to Olive Garden. It’s not exactly in downtown Ann Arbor or Ypsilanti, its by the Mall. But we both love it a lot. 

Right now I’m on summer break from school, and so I’m working as a temp (hopefully getting into a Summer Internship with this company ProQuest), and my boyfriend is taking classes working on getting his Culinary associates. Mixed in with the business reviews that are definitely to follow, there are going to be some “sneak peaks” at a cookbook I’m concocting from the recipes we both come up with. A lot are his, but I bake and I bake because its very specific and he cooks because its a lot more flexible.

So, brace yourselves my loyal subscribers. I’m doing things again, and coming out with a voice again. My points will be relevent and exciting! Woo!

Also, I’m going to get really excited later this month because the last DLC in the Season Pass for Borderlands 2 is coming out and I’m going to talk about Borderlands a lot. Probably later today.

Apologies.

I’m sorry everyone. I haven’t posted in months. I’ve fallen behind. I’ve dropped off the grid. I’ve abandoned my projects and I’m really disappointed.

Here is the updated list of what I’ve accomplished from my list:

January, I’m going to purge and clean my room, because I’m a hoarder and this should stop.

Check
February, I’m going to sing karaoke, singing in public…yaaaay

Failed
March, I’m going to submit a photo to a magazine for publication

Failed
April, I’m going to participate in the National Poetry Month

Attempted and Failed
May, I’m going to take my drivers test, at this rate its going to take me that long to get enough experience in

Not attempted
June, I want to take a Road Trip, even if its not even out of state, so long as I see something cool and its overnight I’m thrilled

Failed
July, My sister and I are going to have a total girl day, which involves manicures, new clothes and books

Failed
August,I’m going to go to a concert!

Failed
September, a couple of friends and I are going to go to the Soaring Eagle casino for the day :)

Failed
October, I’m going to sew an entire quilt

Considering October is nearly over and I don’t have a sewing machine yet…We’ll just call it failed.

 

I have only read…33? New books, books I’ve never read before. This project, if I don’t accomplish the 100 within the year, I’m not going to stop until I finish. I also haven’t been counting audio books, I don’t even remember how many I’ve listened to this year. I recently finished “The Hobbit” and am now working on “Brave New World”. Before that I did the first two volumes of Fruits Basket, I read “Romeo and Juliet”.

The last time I saw a movie in theaters was Titanic in 3D back in april. But I got Netflix, so I am still experiencing a lot of new things. A lot of anime, new tv shows, new movies. Ect. ect.

I haven’t arted hard enough yet. But I’m getting back into it again. I’m working on a painting and in photoshop. I am trying very hard to get back into photography as much as I was before.

 

I moved from Hillsdale at the end of August to Ann Arbor. I really like it here, my roommate is one of my best friends since the 7th grade, and we get along well enough. My boyfriend is moving up soon, he’s staying for a week or two right now and getting a job. I’m working in a little store called “Things Remembered”, part time. I’m an engraver, its really cool and I love what I do there. I’m not getting enough hours, so I’m trying to find a seasonal job, next semester I won’t have time to do two jobs. But right now my workload is still pretty light and since I’ve only got classes twice a week I should be fine. I’d like a job either at the AADL (Ann Arbor District Library) or Barnes and Noble.

I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year, and I’m working on trying to submit some stuff to a gallery that’s looking for student work. I’m also working on a couple of personal projects. The first is a painting of my boyfriend and I–Something I’d like to consider in the “fauvist” style but its mostly just all kinds of colors and patterns and probably a lot of different materials. I also want it to be huge. I’m also going really far with playing with some of the pictures that I took of my roommate for one of her projects.

I need more friends here, more people willing to pose for me. I’ll get there!

 

Don’t worry friends, I’ll be posting more again, things will be better again! I won’t fall victim to Ratchet and Clank and video games so much anymore. I’ll be bright and productive and keep you updated. I never lost my total purpose which was to make every moment of my life count and matter. That’s never gone away!