Who are the Real Villains of Firefly?

Not gonna lie, this is gonna be a piggy back.

 

We’re gonna start out by addressing a flaw that just bothers me.

River was just crazy smart, she wasn’t psychic or f’ing crazy until “They” made her this way.

I’m not going to dispute and argue about every little thing in the video because I could do it on the comment section on their site or youtube and quite frankly, get a lot more attention.

Today we’re going to discuss who “They” are specifically and how they do these insane power-plays back and forth keeping the verse and maintaining this balancing act which means order(s) for them and chaos for everyone else.

Let’s start out by assuming that the Firefly verse is populated by humans very much like the Earth that is verse.–Basically greedy, angry, buttmunching dicks are the ones with power and everybody else just kinda rumbles along life trying to make a difference.

So, Alliance itself isn’t evil. Alliance is a system of government. Like democracy, but more accurately Bureaucracy. Which is why we can all empathize with the hate so freaking much. Like our own world, the bureaucracy can be bought. And it is bought, by the Blue Sun corporation.

I submit my theory to your review:

The Blue Sun Corporation is behind every bad thing to happen in the Firefly universe.

The Blue Sun logo is in practically every scene of the TV show. Every scene. It does everything. Jayne’s t-shirt, food, ect.

According to the Firefly and Serenity Database wiki page/s

It’s an open secret that Blue Sun engages in deadly corporate espionage and then calls in favors from powerful government officials to help cover their tracks. Its subsidiaries and shell corporations have branched out far from food and service industries, going into computer systems, communication technology, and even spaceship design, along with the biotech industry – even going so far (some whisper) as to conduct experiments involving living humans. Only top executives have a good grasp on what the ‘big picture’ is when it comes to this mega-corporation. Its research and development division is a mysterious place guarded by security equal to top secret Alliance military projects.

This part of the page, pretty much makes my argument for me. It only takes one or maybe two government officials to put out warrants. It takes the same to send out the Operative.

Blue Sun messed with Rivers mind and made her into a weapon. A weapon they themselves don’t want to use, because no matter what, they win. No, they want to sell River. They took tiny little River Tam and made basically a space Captain America crossed with a loony toon.

It’s just like Iron Man! Stark Industries made amazing terrifying weapons and sold them to the government…and the governments enemies. Blue Sun wanted to do that with River! That’s why they want her back so bad. So they can sell her to Alliance, and then duplicate her for any enemy the Alliance has.

Because what is more profitable to a ruthless, self-serving, malevolent entity like the Blue Sun Corporation than weapons selling in a war?

Maybe River is just a beta test of this mutant-making facility. Maybe they developed her to be a spark against the Alliance and start another Unification war, where they can sell the manufactured soldiers like River to the highest bidder.

The commercial on the TV in the bar that activates River specifically tells her about Miranda. Specifically tells her about the place where Reavers were created and then activates her ass-kicking powers. And what does the Firefly crew do? What Blue Sun hoped they would. They go check that shit out. Two Independent higher-ranking officials with a maintained raging hate-boner for Alliance go find absolute proof that Alliance are dicks.

But who would Alliance hire to make something like that? Blue Sun. Blue Sun would test something on an entire planet, Alliance…probably not so much.

They made the Reavers, so it’s probably safe to assume that somewhere in that facility where they made River, they also had a few Reavers. Put ’em in chains and locked in a room where they occasionally get thrown a live chicken.

I bet River had to fight them before. She seemed pretty competent in that room where she killed all of them to save her brother. She even uses Reaver weapons to slaughter them. And right before she does that, she gives Simon this incredibly eloquent speech that isn’t at all clouded with her crazy.

 

Also, Alliance aren’t dicks or really responsible for what happened on Miranda. They hired Blue Sun to help create an environment that was less stressful and reduced violence. Which tells me, there was a problem and Alliance tried to solve that.

I’m not saying that mind-controlling your population is a good idea. Miranda is a perfect example of why it is SO NOT. But they were trying to implement a solution that wasn’t “more police”. They were trying to create a more comforting and “whatever bro” environment instead of one filled with fear.

So they get a few points for that.

 

The other thing I have trouble with is adjusting for all the times Alliance hurts, denies help to, or otherwise f’ing over the people at the fringes of the system.

Like that time an entire platoon of Alliance soldiers sat by while an entire supply of take-it-or-die medicine gets jacked? Or when they would have let Shepard Book die just because he was normal?

This is just the awful consequences of bureaucracy.

I’m willing to bet that all of the guys in charge in the fringes are there because they fucked up. “You slept with the Generals daughter. You get sent into Reaver territory.” “You…did something to arbitrarily piss someone off, fuck off to deep space. Go check on the border planets.”

Basically they’re really not happy to be there. They’re not heroes. They’re the guys who ranked high enough to get out of trouble enough to be banished to the unwashed, under-educated, underdeveloped parts of the universe where you might not have toilet paper all the time.

This is not symptomatic of Alliance being the bad guys, that’s just…individuals in the military being complete ass-holes.

So I’m not saying we should all go praise the Alliance…but maybe we should lay off. Maybe we should watch the show and go “Bureaucracy is a dick.”…Maybe we should watch it and think instead of being about Big government vs little government maybe it’s about standing up to corruption and evil.

And greed will always lead to corruption.

Also kick-ass space pirates. Mostly kick-ass space pirates.

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Christopher Lee: An Awkward Tribute from a Fan-Girl

RIP Christopher Lee. 1929-2015.

Christopher Lee is…was…I’m sorry…one of the oldest working actors in the western world. He legitimately knew J.R.R. Tolkien! AND HE WAS IN THE MOVIES. How awesome is that?

So. Awesome.

In fact, he’s like my #2 guy for who I’d like to meet in the afterlife. (The First being Mr. Rogers, the third being Michelangelo or Van Gogh…or all of them. Definitely all of them.)

Okay, here is the first thing that everyone should know about especially now that he’s dead:

Christopher Lee singing and producing metal music! This video has over a million views, yeah, that’s a thing. But the fact that it hasn’t rolled over like completely destroying an old school PacMan game makes me sad. Even though a million views on anything I make ever would make me literally pee myself.

Seriously. I would pee.

But COME ON guys! Spread the word! He did this in a garage with a green screen and his friends. And he wasn’t a super high teenager plucking at a gutiar going “Huy guys we should be a band. Der der dur.”

Christopher Lee badassed his way through WWII and from what I can tell about his life, he legitimately just did whatever the fuck he wanted since then and CRUSHED it. Crushed it.

In my entire life, I never heard of any sex-scandal or gross unpleasant thing happening from him. He played SO many villains. So many.

He played more villains/antagonists/not the heroes than he played heroes. You can only assume he was an awesome person to be around, because he played monsters and awful people, and everyone kept going “We want that guy!”

In my head, when I wrote my evil librarian who cursed people because they f’ed with his books, I pictured Christopher Lee. Now who am I going to picture?

Now who am I going to imagine?!

 

Why “The Rugrats” is Terrifying.

If you’re like me, chances are you grew up watching shows like Hey Arnold!, Rugrats, Codename! Kids Next Door, ect.

I’ve got a 4-year-old niece, she’s adorable and energetic, and loves Rugrats. So when I babysit her, chances are Rugrats is on the TV.

And I’ve noticed some things.

We’ll come back to the horrifying child neglect/endangerment issues in a few minutes because I want to start with this picture:

That's a g'damned skeleton in a show about babies.

Tommy almost falls down into that. Into a room with a body that has completely decomposed into a skeleton and nobody noticed. And this is the first season of the show. This is from 1990!

Also, when scouring google looking for that picture I came across this one:

And oh dear—what is that? I don’t even remember this and I really don’t think I want to. Ever. Ever.

Ever ever again.

Except I’m a self-destructive pile of stubborn “MUST KNOW EVERYTHING.” That monster is from S3E31. Chuckie gets a new bed, no more crib, just bed, and immediately he jumps to “MONSTER.” He even imagines a horrible monster voice.

In the end, it turns out to be a really comfortable sweater. But that doesn’t change the fact that that episode is literally fourteen straight minutes of nightmare fuel. 

 

A show with ten seasons has a lot to pick from. And the pool of examples of child neglect was legitimately too wide to pick from and do examples on a fair sample.

But here’s a list of the worst examples season by season:

 

  • Season one Tommy gets kidnapped and returned before ANYBODY notices.
  • Season two four babies manage to get loose in a very crowded museum and go unnoticed for way too long.
  • Season three the babies leave the backyard where a bunch of f’ing babies are unsupervised and get into the new RV of grandpas. They get locked in and adventure to the moon BEFORE ANYBODY NOTICES.
    Sidebar: Season 3 is incredibly deep and real.
  • Season four they break free of their parents and proceed to run amok in Las freakin’ Vegas. Look, I know it’s the early 90s guys but…Unless Rugrats takes place in a parallel dimension where nothing really bad ever happens
    • Except people are still kidnappers, and people die.
  • Season five Stew and Drew take the kids to Piggie’s Pizza Palace set them down, and proceed to pay absolutely no attention to the fact that their kids are literally destroying shit.
  • Everything about the movie. Every. Single. Moment.
  • Season six Grandpa takes the babies to a boxing match that he’s in. Who’s gonna watch the kids grandpa? Who’s going to watch them when you’re dead? 
  • Season Seven Angelica is able to take off with baby Dil, who’s what…Tommy’s a year so Dill is like 4 months old guys. I don’t think we ever see him crawl, just lay there and play with his toys. Angelica is able to pick him up, put him in a toy car, and drive away without any of the grown-ups doing jack shit.
  • The second movie also every single minute. Every. Single. Minute. WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING OUT THAT THEY HAVEN’T SEEN THEIR BABIES ALL DAY?!
  • Season eight features an all out baby brawl in the laundrymat
  • Season nine Angelica convinces the babies to play in the crawl-space the whole time and none of the adults take notice.

Season ten is just the Rugrats gang retelling fairy-tales.

Seriously parents in the Rugrats universe: get your shit together.

As horrifying as early Rugrats was, it is still, to date, one of my favorite shows. Early Rugrats succeeded in crossing the imaginations of the babies with the reality of the world. The scary stuff never ends up being the actual scary thing. The monster under the bed is just a sweater, the dust-bunnies are just big ole’ wads of gross dust. Tigers are legitimately big kittens.

I take that back, the skeleton was real. Tommy would have had no context of the height and that it could kill him. So that…was an objective shot.

That’s scary as shit. What if Tommy hadn’t have escaped? What would his parents have thought happened? It would just be years later, maybe even DECADES when the post office finally gets renovated or someone thinks to look in the “Dead letter room” and they find the skeleton of a postal worker and a baby. A baby who hopefully has a broken neck from crashing and dying on impact and didn’t dehydrate/starve/freeze to death in the bottom of a hole in a building literally full of people.

But that didn’t happen, and the trauma of that moment is lost on Tommy almost as fast as it happens. So…happy endings.

Why “Thor” Is Pretty Much the prequel to “The Lion King”

This is Thor and Loki.

 

This is Mufasa and Loki.

I mean Thor and Scar.

Crap! It’s Mufasa and Scar. What the shit brain why aren’t you working right?

Ok to start: Hair.

Thor is blonde, his luscious mane of hair most of the time looks like it’s perfectly brushed and defies gravity.

Now look at Mufasa’s mane. Look at it! Look at it and tell me there are no similarities!

Then look at Loki. Black hair, combed back from their face showing off how pointy it is, and held in place by way too much hair gel. Even Scar, a lion in the middle of the f’ing desert with no access to hair gel OR the required thumbs to open the bottle anyways, has greasy looking hair.

Moving south, the chins.

Thor’s chin is wide and strong, designed for holding only the manliest of beards and angriest of shouts, just like Mufasa. Then Scar and Loki’s chins are thin and pointy.

Now lets move onto the non-physical parallels.

Thor and Mufasa are both destined to be king of their respective kingdoms of sunlight. Both of their primary character traits are strength, like their fathers. In fact that’s just about their only character trait. “I am strong let’s f’ shit up!”

Then there’s Scar and Loki. Naturally gifted with intellect and wit, they’re unfortunately cursed to not be like their dads. Physically weaker, but much smarter. Smart enough to realize that physical strength isn’t the best quality primary quality of a leader. Then they start to feel bitter about their lack of power, resentful, and eventually a power hungry vengeful force that makes a great villain.

We never get to see the moment Scar becomes the true bad-guy, just his moment of action. I’m going to assume it was before he started hanging out with the Hyenas and that it has something to do with them being banished. But we do get to see that moment with Loki. 

Right there. Everything he is is a lie. Might as well give him a scar on his face because I am sure Scar’s transformation was just as traumatic. Loki learns that he really is “the monster” parents warn their children about and like a self-fulfilling prophecy becomes that monster, while Scar becomes one with a physical “deformity”. Is deformity the right word? He’s scarred outside to mirror his inner scars.

I’m going to resist the urge to go off on a rant about how in Nifleheim Odin–who traded half of his sight for wisdom to help avoid situations like this from happening–thought that this was the way to handle it.

Instead, we’re going to talk about why I think this came to be.

Disney bought Marvel in 2009 and Thor came out in 2011. And if we know anything about Disney, it’s that people work there forever. Even if people didn’t work there forever, trends like this are very Disney-esque.

And on top of that, Thor was directed by Kenneth Branagh. For the slightly differently nerdy than I, you might not know about the raging nerd-boner Branagh has with Shakespeare. He joined the Royal Shakespeare Company when he was 23 and then left to make his own because it wasn’t awesome enough for him.

Considering that every good Shakespearean movie produced in the last few decades (With the exception of Joss Whedon’s Much Ado About Nothing which is a GREAT foil to Branagh’s.) was practically Branagh’s creation, it is lunacy to assume that that didn’t play a heavy hand into the casting and the overall appearance and personality of the characters.

In conclusion:

 

I’m far from the only one to think this.

Just google it. If you’re brave(er) than I am, turn off your safe search and see just how weird things get. If I know anything about the internet, it’s going to get super weird.

The Only Reason the Zombie Apocalypse Would Fail Super-Quick in America

One word, and it isn’t really a word, it’s a name. That name?

Tallahassee

I’m just going to go ahead and assume everyone has seen Zombieland or, if not, you’ve seen enough of the internet to understand that Tallahassee is the most badass person in the apocalypse (and has the absolute saddest back-story in any Zombie story I have ever experienced ever.)

I'll give you a minute.

 

But back to the badass part of his character.

Ok, now consider the following:

 

Just watch that whole video. The whole thing. Put aside all the personal and emotional story stuff at stake and being purged for him in this moment of bloody murdery catharsis, it is all bad ass. I don’t know specifically what kind of gun he’s using, I feel like I could fire it like that. ME. I feel like I could probably survive a situation like that if I also had a poky stick.

But that’s not the point.

Look at Tallahassee. Look at him. Look into his soul. You know this guy. I would bet money that you could find at least ONE badass with Tallahassee’s soul living within a one mile radius of your house. That’s assuming that you are not Tallahassee, in which case, go 2 miles away and walk in a circle, you’ll find a new bestie. Promise.

Okay, now imagine you’re that guy, chilling out after dinner, playing fetch with your puppy while you watch the news and drink a well earned beer. Then the news comes on.

After lots of weird talking and flashing lights, the message is clear. Dead people are going to eat your brains. Zombie apocalypse time. 

“Welp,” you sigh as you get up and finish your beer. “Time to nut up or shut up.” You play it safe and put your puppy in the bathroom with a clean toilet bowl full of water, and just the entire bag of food. Just to be safe. With the puppy safely tucked away for now, you go get your boomsticks.

With one of you every two miles, it takes maybe 3 afternoons to clear out the zombies. And anybody you don’t like. Anybody you don’t like.

For the rest of us, our lives will pretty much be as disrupted as this lovely lady’s:

Zombie kill of the week.

 

 

 

 

 

The Not-A-Poem-About-Feelings-I’ve-Needed-To-Express-For-A-While.

Sometimes I’m lonely for the friendship that could have been.
Once upon a time we were really bad at being friends. But it was high school, it’s part of the deal.
At least I think it is.
Then we grew and became who we are.
And I think…I hope…
I choose to believe
that now we could be friends.
I choose to believe this is a thing.
And when I think of you
and this friendship that could be a thing
I choose not to say hello.

I miss that possibility every day. I miss it like it was, not like it could be.
Because, what I choose to believe, and what I feel is the truth, are different.
We couldn’t be friends. Not again.
Not because we were bad at it before
not because we’ll be bad at it now.
Not because we can’t let go of who we were, and who we are
But because who we are going to be is so different
we’ll leave each other behind.

Every time.
I will leave you behind every time.
And not on purpose.
But I will.

I miss the friendship we could be having.
Not the friendship we had.
But if I had a redo
we wouldn’t have had a friendship at all.

Filling the Void

So, now that I’m in the editing stages of “Curse at the Middleford Library” and I have to have and carry the physical print out of it with me everywhere I go like some sort of warped security blanket. I can’t work on it as much.

It’s a whole process to get this puppy out. It’s printed out in my inch and a half binder, with extra blank pages for when I need to insert something that wasn’t crucial to the plot so I didn’t write it on the first-go-through.

But that’s part of my process and writers-aren’t-supposed-to-discuss-their-process-shhh-I-write-the-plot-then-add-character-development-as-I-write-the-second-draft-but-I-didn’t-tell-you-that-so-shhhhh.

Doing it the mysterious way I do it gives me the time and ability to focus solely on each super important aspect. I go through and do the plot points first, which works out to be the most logical way.

But now, that my hands aren’t always grasping at a first draft, my brain is in overdrive. I’ve had more ideas in these last few weeks than I had all year.

I will point out, most of these ideas aren’t going anywhere. They’re just clever little thoughts I want to see happen but won’t ever make as great as I want their potential to be.

Except for two.

One, is a super secret project that I’m not going to talk about at all until I have access to at least a camcorder. Preferably a professional camera. And I’m still 1000 dollars, a new computer, and 4 more drafts away from that being a thing.

The other, is something I started a while ago. I’m starting a completely new process of writing with this one. I usually don’t work with note-cards, but this time I am.

I’ve so far laid down my character’s entire life. On notecards.

When I feel like I’ve made all my decisions, I’m going to sit down, put Pen to Paper and officially begin the first draft. But before that, I’m going to hang up every single one of these cards in the order the READER experiences them.

I’ll give you a brief hint of what this one is about. One sentence.

Old man with dementia, haunted by his dead wife. 

 

Filling the void left by actively writing is always difficult. Being able to start other projects and slowly plan while I edit really helps. But I know that’s not everybody’s jam, what do you do to ease that pain?